Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in sarah williams' LiveJournal:

Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
2:01 am	hehehehehehe blah blah blah things have gone so twisted...jack told me that him and christy are on a break or some shit like that, it is all messed up, he came over to my house and like the first thing we did was kiss, now if that aint messed up then i don't know what is. it felt good to kiss him but it was kind of weird to, well he said it was, but it felt good to feel his kiss again, i missed him soooo much. i don't know what is going to happen to us, i don't know if he wants to go back out with me, we talked about it, but i don't know, i think we just need some time to sort out our feelings, i know he sure as hell does, technically i think he is still going out with christy, so i am all confused, all i know is it is good to ba able to cuddle up with him again , i missed him so much, and when i think about how much i missed him i cry, becasue it feels so good to have him back even if it is only for a short time, if he does decide to go back with christy............:( (4 Comments |Comment on this)
1:49 am	i got some disturbing news today. jacks new girlfriend christy is not the innocent girl i thought she was...she has a coke problem, well i don't know if it is a problem, but i think that if you do coke you got problems anyway, but that is not for me to decide. i feel sorry for jack, i know he really liked her. i hope he decides the right decision for him. i wish i could just let him lay his head in my lap and let him forget about this issues with her, he doesn't deserve this i know that....i guess that is it...i am pretty tired (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 23rd, 2001
1:33 am	today was a great day, with robert and austen, they are great people to hang out with, but i had an outstanding time with jack this evening, like old times almost, but even better. i had forgotten what great conversations we use to have and how much i love holding those kinds of conversations with him. he is so smart....i love it when we get along, tonight when we were talking i felt like we never broke up, because he still tells me everything, i felt so close to him...hrm maybe it is just my imagination, i do have an overactive one (Comment on this)
Friday, July 20th, 2001
8:06 am	i can't wait till sunday...warped tour is going to rock, i think i want to ride with jack and christy thoough, i just feel more comfortable with them then austen and his sarah. i really did not want to drive to houston, because i know i can't drive that well in houston and i had a bad feeling that i would get into a wreck or something, i know that would happen to becasue that is just my luck. i really want sunday to get here though, i am so excitedi hope i get to meet bj but i think he he has to work (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 18th, 2001
2:41 am	well things have been going ok i haven't cried in over five days, i am so happy for myself. I got in fight with jack today over the phone about warped tour, i acted like a child and i am sorry, i really hope christy goes, i guess it will be fun, i am suppose to meet somebody after the thing thought his name is bj, and he lives near sagewood. i have no clue where that is. maybe jack will help me find it. i am also scared to meet him, because i am thinking he will not like me, i guess i can just go for it and be expecting the bad things that will come out of it. who knows he may surprise me. the only problem is thathe is black, abut he speaks with the greastest english, none of that slang stuff. he was raised in lousianna, so maybe that was why who knows. anyway i am pretty tired (Comment on this)
Monday, July 9th, 2001
8:22 am	i woke up in a dream today, forgot all about last night and i soon hope to foreget today. Even though your so close to me your still so distant and i can't bring you back. It's true the way i feel, the sound of your voice painted on my memeories, even though your not iwth me, Keeeping everything inside, you is what i see even when i close my eyes. I can't seem to fing myself again. Do i put my feelings behind me? Do i follow my instincts, or do i stuff it down and hide my pride? Do i give into sad thoughts? Do i sit here and try to stand it? I put on my daily facade but then i just get end up getting hurt again by myself? It is alot to take in, and these thought s of faliure are finallt sinking in. i am trying so hard, but in the end it doesn't even matter, I lost it all. Rmemebering all the times you and i fought, i am surprised you put up with me and it go so far. i put my trust in you, and i pushed as far as it would go, i was always good at that. There is only one thing you should know, I love you and a part of my always will. Goodbye memories, sealed tightly in the back of my mind, locked with a key, key thrown away. It is funny how music can influence your thoughts, i found out today that jack finally had sex with christy, i was wondering how long it would take him, and as my suspicions were confirmed it wasn't long. I don't know what to feel anymore. i am sadden from the thought of them, but i am super glad he told me so now i don't have to worry anymore. What could i expect from him, i guess everybody was right. i don't really know what to do, i guess i will stop calling so much i am probably just bothering him anyway, and i will stop asking for him to do things with me, he has her now, and i am pretty sure he doesn't need me hanging around like a third wheel. Anyway robert got a new FRIEND today, his name is daniel, robert said he is really nice, and they finally met today and they are going to hang out at daniel's house in the hot tub, i am so happy for him he has been waiting for something like this for awhile now, i think it is really great. i remember when it use to be just me with a boyfriend, now it is everybody but me, that is some sad shit yo?? oh well i see all the trouble lanay is having with hers and it makes me want to puke, the sad thing is i still sleep with jacks picture under my pillow, what the fuck is that, i am so pathetic i make my own self want to vomit. Last night i was crying so hard that a nerve or something busted in my nose and i got a nose bleed. that was so pathetic, and i know all this that i am pathetic but i still continue to wallow in it. What is wrong with me. Anyway school is starting soon so maybe that will take my mind off different things that irritate me. Well blah blah blah, i could go on but as it stands now i am going to make myself puke so i will stop (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001
5:18 am	guess what i got to talk to jack lasst night or rather this morning because it was like around three in the morning. I just wanted to make sure he wasn't mad at me for acting so childish. I really want to be his good friend maybe even his best, but i am afraid that christy will knock me out of the running for that one. i feel better now that i got to talk to him, and i told him what i thought about christy. i really think she is a nice girl, i am just scared of her taking my place in everything, she already has him as a boyfriend which that something i don't mind, i just don't want her to take everything from me. I don't want him to forget me. I am going to try and be more understanding of the way he feels, i mean if we are going to be friends then i have to right....i mean he said it himself last night he can't help the way he feels, so how can i come up with a good argument for that, that is just it, there is none so why fight it. i guess all i really wanted to know is if he still cared. He said he does, and i am content with that. I hope our friendship will take off now, and we will be able to do things together, well maybe not now, but when the newness wears off, if it ever does. i think christy is good for him, even though i don't want to say that, because i want to be the selfish child on the playground who always gets her way:) but in all truth, i hope they go a long way. I told him i was going to stop reading his journal , and i am, i just think,thatis his private stuff and i want to save my self from whatever is says wheather it be good or bad becasue sometimes it hurts. I wish i caould go paint the house with him that would be fun, i like tp paint to, but i think he is going with his mom. Anyway i love this song (letters to cleo) thanks jack for burning this great cd (Comment on this)
Monday, July 2nd, 2001
2:44 am	today was ok i guess things got really heated in the front yard today with my mom and my dad and my step dad. Doug is so childish, he got into it with my dad over my stupid ass truck. they were yelling and cussing, and i just sat there amazed that parents can be the most annoying and immature. They were acting like five year olds on a playground, damn they were so pathetic. You know i was thinking today is it possible to love another person, it is so hard for me to love people as it stands now, i don't think it will ever happen again, who knows though, i mean i like people that comes ok, but i just have a hard time saying i love you to folks, i don't know why it is funny though. Lanay is still here, she is keeping me from being to lonely, she is a good friend, i wonder if me and jack we ever be on good terms again, probably not he is still wrapped up in christy;s beauty and christy's deep brown eyes and all that other shit to hang out with his friends, austen is to. Man what guys won't do for SEX, jesus guys are so pathetic. Me and robert were talking today and he was saying that he didn't think that we would ever see Jack and Austen ever again becasue their heads are shoved so far up their new girlfriends asses that he doesn't think they will ever come out. I thought that was pretty damn funny. robert is my boy, my good friend. I think when he moves to houston i will be going up to see him and only him, since i doubt that he will be the only one that cares for my company, he is so sweet, i wishi could find a straight guy like him. ahahaha(yawn) this be it dawg xOXOXOXXOXOXO Sarah (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 1st, 2001
2:55 am	got my ass up and went to church today. can't believe it, it was ok, i just don't like all the hugs people give there, it creeps me out expeciaally the really old people, the sort of smell funny, but anyway i think i almost fell assleep in the pew, you know it is really funny iam in a voice conference with this really cute guy named brian and this really cute bi girl named anna, she is cute, and so is he, and it is weird talking to two people at once. It is fun talking to them, but he is confused between us, he is so easilly amused, kind of like me. Anyway that is about it, guess my life has turned out to this....awwww i need a life (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 30th, 2001
1:22 am	well today was shitfilled from the start, i invited jack over and i think he jsut came over to use my scanner, i bet he was like well i guess i can visit her, and i can use her scanner while i am at it, so i can kill two birds with one stone, hahaha that is funny, he is funny. All he did was talk about christy the whole time becasue he had nothing better to talk about, which is just like him. I took that final step today, i took the ring off that he bought for me at last years prom. i think i feel kind of liberated, but then i kind of feel sad to, but that will pass in due time i hope so anyway. Whenever i look at my finger or go to play with the ring that i am so used to playing with, i have ro remind myself why it is gone, and what reason i had to take it off. It is kind of sad, but it has to be done, these sorts of things are done everyday, so why not now to me. Well jacks comming over wasn't the only thing shity about today, i was suppose to go to the beach with holly and wes, but when we got to the red light, going into the beach ,right after the surfside bridge ,we broke down. It was so funny me and lanay had to get out and push, while robert drove over tot he side. It was embarrassing becasue people were looking and staring and all sorts off stuff. i had to call my brother billy to come out and get me. he was mad at me even though he said he wasn't. Then when i got home i got a big lecture from my dad on car care, and all the while i was thinking in my head like i give a rats ass about my ,well should i say truck, i mean i shouldn't be driving something that i have to check the oil and water in everyday, i mean damn, at least every other week. Anyway i gotta pee so bad so i guess this will be the end of my words for today (Comment on this)
Friday, June 29th, 2001
9:38 am	my brain is turning to mush......help!!!!! Robert is mad at me for not wanting to go to numbers, i hope he is not to pissed off. I don't want to go beccause i don't feel like being around jack and christy, it is not that i don't like her, it is just that she symbolizes what i can't have anymore and i don't want to be around that, and i know i wouldn't have had a good time because, of that, even if she wouldn't have gone i still would have had to deal with christy this and christy that, from jack, and that will put me in a foul mood quicker than anything. i was surprised that i actuall got to talk to him on the phone today, it is pretty amazing that he just put me out of mind, out of thought. i really did not expect him to do that, i don't blame him thought at least he is happy with what he has. Some how deep down i knew he was going to do that, so i don't know why it came as such a shock to me, it is ok, i didn't cry last night before i went to bed, i think i have gotten somewhere good on my feelings towards him, oh don't get me wrong it still hurts that he can just drop any aknowledgement that he had of me, for a another girl, but i think that is in the boys nature, so i really don't care anymore, i am really really proud of myself because of the fact that i did not cry, maybe i have gotten some sort of grip on reality, and that men are pigs and assholes...except for robert ......and i just have to get on with my life. Ocassionally there will be a few that pop up in my life that are worth crying over, but jack isn't one of them, he is just a boy, and i can't blame him for his ways, plus i have no control over what he does nor do i care anymore. :) hehehehe xoxox (Comment on this)
3:42 am	wow it is late but i am used to staying up around six or so, but i might go to bed soon , i don't like to sleep that much because the hardest thing of all is falling assleep, because i always think about stuff that i know is going to hurt and i now that i will always cry till i am so tired i fall assleep. Isn't that so pathetic, god i am waste deep in self pitty, wish i could stop sinking, maybe when i get up to my neck it will click in my head that this can't possibly be healthy. i just wish i would have done things differently, i wish i would have treated him better, then maybe i would still have him. I wishi wouldn't have always pushed him away, it doesn't matter now it is to late, and that is what kills me that i have no control and i can't have him anymore. i can't kiss him, i can't hug him, i can't say that i love him, i can't even sit in the front seat when we all are going somewhere. it is killing me i mean it, it really is. My heart hurts all the time, maybe i need to go to the doctor again to get that heart thing checked again, i have took my meds every day, for the litle hole, so that can't be it. i guess itis just sadness. God why the fuck am i so pathetic....................................... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 27th, 2001
1:50 am	my brain hurts....i have been staying up late since summer has started. i think it is waring my body down or something. lanany went to bed so iam alone again.....it is funny i have the strangest memeory of that word AGAIN, me and jack were sitting on the couch in the early relationship and i always misspelled the damn word and he kept going over that word and how to spell it, we chanted A G A I N for like five minutes. It is funny but it stuck. My kittens that i have been bottle feeding since they were born started eating a little by themselves today, i was so happy...it is like having your own children and having them take their first step, ok maybe not that dramatic but close, i was happy. i was listening to a song today it is by staind, that is a really fucking good song, made me cry but, it was really good, hell anything that i can relate to jack or love or anything, makes me cry. i worte him a e mail telling him how i feel , but i don't think he cares, it is ok, that just gives me more fuel and motivation to put all this behind me and him and christy. Hopefully it will work maybe if he keeps blowing me off i will get the hint (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 26th, 2001
1:17 am	la la la la la well well well i got some disturbing news today, i found out jack and christy are going out now, yeah i knew it was going to happen but i wasn't ready for it. this is jsut great things couldn't get much more worse for me this week. i feel left out some how. He said that we would still see each other but that is not happening, he goes to see her constanly and i haven't gotten to talk to him on the phone in forever. It is ok i guess, he is in that part of the relationship that everything is great and wonderful, and he never wants to leave her side, hahaha what a crock of bullshit. Anyway i know you must think that i am a total nut case for still holding on, most of the time ia m a bitch with the attitude just fuck it, but i jsut can't let go of this that easy.sometimes i get so caught up in mu own self misery that i jsut cry and cry and cry, and that is not like me at all. When i found out that christy and jack were going out i was early in the afternoon but it didn't hit me till later that night around seven or so, and i just went into the bathroom and got in the tub and cried, i cried so hard that i gave myself a headache. Now i tell you how pathetic is that, i feel like a wet sponge. i feel like such a baby for crying over this. God i wish i had control over this..........................anyway yeah (Comment on this)
Monday, June 25th, 2001
7:30 am	today is monday wow a new begining to a whole new week, oh fucking great, why can'tt he sun go back down so i can just go back to bed, and die. hahahaha. i am having a little better day, i guess i haven't talked to anybody and i am begining to wonder if they even care, jack hasn't called to say hi or anything, he is with christy, i hope he is having fun. it is amazing how he says that i am his friend and the he will alwasy love me. Yeah right i think he just says that so he doesn't hurt my feelings, it is ok i guess i don't really care. Lanay and me went grocery shopping today, we spent 188$ dollars on a bunch of shit. I am looking forward to my dad leaving for ten days. maybe i can be alone and sleeep, lanay's boyfriend will be spending the night with us sometimes soon i suppose he gets back in town on the 4th, and i don't hink my dad is leaving timm the 2nd or so. i hope he goes i am looking foreward to the time i get to spend by myself (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 24th, 2001
3:45 am	ahh another day and another night of stating up insanely late on the internet. Man i gotta get a life. lanany is still here, thank god for her otherwise i would have gone crazy by now. i just wish she was up so i didn't have to think. i hate being alone, but we all have to do it sometimes. Geez i always have this feeling in my throat that if i open my mouth i am going to cry, why is that, i want it to go away, because i hate not having control over my feelings, i guess i am still bugged about the whole jack thing, i know i am so stupid. he went to see her today, he drove all the way to rosenburg just to see her, that is nice of him, what the hell am i saying i don't feel like being nice right now, i just wish he would have wrecked and burnt up in his little fucking red car. no i don't think that butit feels good to say something mean like that, i don;t knwo why it just does. he told me some of the things they did like french kissing and they just about got to third base. That makes me feel bad because i had to wait like a month before jack would even kiss me, i guess he didn't like me as much, who knows? i know that i am tired fo feeling like a wet sponge. I feel like , well i don't know what i feel like. awww FUCK IT (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 23rd, 2001
1:29 am	we went to a gay pride parade today. it was so much fun, i had a ton of fun yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs for beads. Me and lanay drank beer and had jello shots. there were so many gay couples there, i think i was surprised a little by the numerous amounts. i have never really seen that in real life. we meet many friends there like phillip and a couple of other folks that we had not seen in quite sometime. i enjoyed it. You know that girl i was telling you about that jack met, well she was there and jack met up with her. i was really surprised to see her there. She lives all the way in rosenberg or needville whatever and she came to houston. Well you know jack he stayed all the time we spent there with her, but it was ok. i sort of felt left out but that is ok, i know how jack is he is really excited about the whole thing of meeting a new girl, i wish i could share his joy, but it just won't come. i want to be happy for him, but i just can't right now. i still love him so it is kind of hard, but like the normal old sarah i will just not think about it and forget it. maybe that will help. i know you must think i am a total loser, and i probably am, but i really don't care, i need to talk, becasue anybody that i say this to they will just say that i am stupid, so what the hell is the point in telling anybody....hrm...hope this feeling goes away soon (Comment on this)
Friday, June 22nd, 2001
2:16 am	my very best friend has been staying with me, for the past few weeks, she is really nice to me, and she keeps me from being lonely, we went to numbers tonight, i had a lot of fun with my friends, i am really proud of jack he got a number, she is nice to so that is a plus. i didn't think it would happen but he amazes me all the time. Robert was there an dso was nicole. Nicole she is a character, but she always has something negitive to say, and she kind of depresses me. i am kind of jealouse that jack got a number but i hope it passes becasue it will only complicate things with my heart, i want to forget everything, and soon i will stuff it all deep inside and then everything will be great again, i hope it is soon, iam tired of feeling like this, and i don't want anybody to know, and which that is sort of ironic because this is a live journal. how fucked up is that. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 20th, 2001
7:19 am	things are going just great, i guess, as good as i can expect them to go. i didn't get what i wanted for my birthday, but that is ok life will go on except for the sad thing i don't want it to, i just want to crawl somewhere and hide, my friends came to my party so i acted happy as usual, they are great people i love them. I am just not myself i guess (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 17th, 2001
6:11 am	my birthday was today, funny i don't feel 17, i hope i get what i want, but i doubt that, because that person doesn't want the same thing. oh well who cares right. at least people remembered. (Comment on this)